The 5 steps I took to love myself with depression

Self-love can sometimes feel impossible with depression. Here's how Dr. Jonathan Rottenberg learned to be more kind to himself.

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When I was depressed, I felt that I was being punished. Did I deserve it?

When I was depressed, I withdrew from other people. Was I a terrible friend, spouse, and father? 01

When I was depressed, 02 I could no longer do the things I did before. Was I a good-for-nothing?

When I was depressed, I had trouble thinking clearly. Was I stupid?

Depression can brilliantly teach you to be your own worst critic. It’s like you almost become adept at dishing out abuse to yourself. It becomes hard to have a balanced view of yourself. And self-love may seem hopelessly out of reach.

Yet, self-love is important. Research has shown that practicing self-compassion may help to reduce self-criticism and even decrease depression symptoms.

I somehow opened myself up to self-compassion during a phase of recovery, after I’d managed to dig myself out of depression. On my better days, I even say that I’ve gained self-love.

But how did I turn it around? How can you learn to love yourself if you struggle with depression?

No formula is guaranteed to work for everyone. But I reconstructed five key steps that helped take me in the right direction.

Admit that self-love is possible

Realizing I actually had a choice in how to treat myself was pivotal.

I spent a lot of time during my depression working on relationships with my friends, fiancé, and family. I spent nearly zero time trying to improve my relationship with myself… when it was arguably the most important relationship of all.

I had no idea how to make things better, but knowing that it was possible to make a change was a big breakthrough.

Question your self-talk

The next step in improving my relationship with myself was to take a fresh look at what I routinely said to myself. My words were often petty, cruel, unforgiving, and downright inaccurate.

I asked two new questions. Would I talk to a friend this way? Would I have any friends left if I did? The obvious answer to both questions was no.

I knew I couldn’t banish self-criticism all at once. So, I decided to make a smaller change instead. I checked whether my tone gave me the same respect that I offered others.

Sometimes I caught myself being rude to myself, and I stopped it right there. Other times I just tried to find a way to rephrase my self-criticism. Instead of saying, “I can’t do anything right!” I said, “This is frustrating. What help do I need to get this done?”

Become more accepting of your flaws

I can never be perfect. After all, no one is. And it was that realization that helped me to tone down my constant self-criticism.

I took a step back and woke up to the fact that depression is part of who I am. This baggage is inconvenient, yet my flaws and history are what make me unique.

Lots of people struggle with emotional pain, physical pain, trauma, or a difficult childhood. We are all works in progress, and we all have our unique set of flaws and blind spots.

With this in mind, I tried to be a little more compassionate to everyone in my life — including myself! That was another baby step toward self-love.

Initiate a more loving inner dialogue

Knowing that everyone struggles helped me to reframe my journey with depression. I started to feel proud of what I’d been through. Maybe someone who struggled through years of depression — like me — deserved a little more patience and even kindness.

I used to think, “I’m a failure.” Or, “I’m broken.” Now I think, “I’ve survived a lot and have the bumps and bruises to prove it.”

Start taking actions toward self-love

I realized that I could never truly love myself if I only changed my way of thinking. Did my actions show that I respected myself and prioritized my needs? What was I actually doing to show that I cared about my mind and my body?

Everyone’s loving actions are different. For me, self-loving actions included:

• getting enough sleep
  
  
• eating a healthier diet
  
  
• taking the time to exercise
  
  
• giving myself space for fun or reflection, especially if I was stressed
  
  
• taking time to appreciate myself and enjoy other people
  
  
• spending time with the people who really love me
  
  
• standing up for myself if someone tried to take advantage of me

These actions proved that I could do more than just talk about self-love. I could actually walk the walk.

I know that I’m far from being an expert at self-love. I still fall down all the time. But I get up.

I’m now convinced that change is possible, although it’s not necessarily easy. But it can be absolutely life-changing to build a better relationship with yourself.

For more information on how to manage depression, reach out to your doctor or healthcare team.

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Sources

• Orchard, F., et al. (2018). ‘I Am Worthless and Kind’; the specificity of positive and negative self-evaluation in adolescent depression. http://centaur.reading.ac.uk/80991/11/Orchard_et_al-2018-British_Journal_of_Clinical_Psychology.pdf
  
  
• Warren, R., et al. (2016). Risk and resilience Current Psychiatry Vol. 15, No. 12 19 Being compassionate to oneself is associated with emotional resilience and psychological well-being. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Self-Criticism.pdf

NPS-US-NP-00501 May 2021